Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
