Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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