my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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