i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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