If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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