I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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