Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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