anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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