You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
