He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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