I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
