Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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