i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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