He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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