she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
