JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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