i would punch a child for taco bell
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I love you.
Bad choice
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