If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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