I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
