I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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