I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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