Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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