Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize