Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize