Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The power of my boobs compel you
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
