It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
