coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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