I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
