It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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