I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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