You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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