So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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