They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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