One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
