My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
