My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i think my cat just said my name.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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