Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
