I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
