I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you had me at cake vodka
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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