i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
