he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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