I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize