I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
