i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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