I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
