so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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