Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
