How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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