Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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