There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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