I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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