I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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