Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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