Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
