Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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