what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
