I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
