Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
